Nutrition & Eating Disorders
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It was like being stuck in a nightmare from which I couldn't awake. A nightmare
in the sense that my perception was distorted and no one really understood what
I was experiencing. But why would they? Between being the salutatorian of my class,
playing sports year round, and participating in student government and other clubs,
I seemed to have my whole life under control. I decided to lose a few pounds because
I didn't play basketball my junior year and felt I had become a little out of shape.
However, stress soon took over my life due to a very rigorous class schedule and
control seemed to be slipping out of my hands. I couldn't give up, so I buried the
pressures inside of me and used my diet as an outlet. My weight began to drop rapidly
but never stepping on a scale, I was oblivious to how much weight I had lost. My
life began to slowly unravel and became an agony I couldn't escape. I tore my shoulder
swimming because my body was weak which ruined the rest of my swimming season. My
boyfriend and I, who had been dating for 3 years, broke up. My family began to fall
apart as every dinner ended in a screaming fight because I refused to eat and no
one understood my actions, myself included. My hair began to fall out and my skin
looked dead and pallid. Although my life had disintegrated into a chaos I had never
imagined, I had no idea I had lost so much weight or that it was the root of my
problems because my stomach was bloated because of water retention which made me
feel fat. I sought refuge under the covers of my bed, praying that my mind could
think about something other than food for just a second and hoping that everything
would end. One day I heard my friends talking about how disgusting it was that they
could see all the bones in my back and it hit me that maybe there was some correlation
between my new eating habits and the hell which I had come to know as my life. After
looking in the mirror, I couldn't believe that the emaciated figure staring back
was my own.
Recovery in itself was a torment. I had doctors' appointments four times a week
and my family and I had to go to therapy throughout my senior year. Eating was a
painstaking chore rather than a delight, and I had to force myself, with the undying
support of my family, to overcome the power of anorexia that controlled my mind.
Relapses occurred due to the abominable fear of becoming fat which polluted my thoughts.
My doctors feared that college would be detrimental to my treatment and they were
convinced I would have a complete relapse.
Coming to UCSB has strengthened my sense of self in my endeavor to triumph in my
battle with anorexia. I took two classes: ED 191 C (Healthy Eating And Living) and
a ESS 3 (Nutrition) which helped reinforce ideas about healthy eating. In addition
to the free and confidential appointments with the dietician and eating disorder
specialist that Student Health offers to all students, Student Health also has a
program called Healthy Eating and Living which advocates preventing and helping
students with eating disorders and encourages healthy eating habits. I became a
Healthy Eating and Living Intern which has surrounded me with a positive atmosphere
and has repressed the anorexia which occasionally comes forward from the depths
of my mind and rears its ugly head.
I have learned that rather than focusing on my diet and weight which proved to be
destructive, my life is much more meaningful when I leave those behind and direct
my energy to something constructive. I have learned that I am more than what I eat
and will never let the superficiality of external appearance be a means of measuring
myself as a person.
- Jenna Kruger
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